Sick to My Stomach

My freshman year, I was dating a senior. We’d gotten in trouble and had to break up. It was love at first sight for me though. I thought about him everyday before I’d even known his name. This year (My sophomore year), We started dating again. I still loved him, after months of not even looking at each other. We’d broken up after 3 weeks.  (who I still am with, and also love very much). Tuesday night, we’d gotten into an argument about why He’d broken up with me. Before we’d gotten together (because of his history of attempts) I’m made him promise that he wouldn’t ever try to kill himself again. When we were arguing he said “Fine, I guess I don’t have to keep my promise than.” I said “fine by me” and went to bed. I didn’t think he was serious. I didn’t think he’d do it. Thursday night I’d called him to apologise. His brother answered the phone and told me Tuesday night he’d gone into the hospital because he’d tried to kill himself.

“He left a note, saying he’d gotten into an argument with a girl” His brother told me. 

It’s been 3 days since he’d died. and I still feel like I’m going to throw up any second now. I talk to him everyday. In my head, out loud when I’m walking home from school. I keep telling myself  “His blood is on my hands and no matter how hard I scrub, it stays there.”

“Don’t they know they’re making love to one already dead?”